QUOTE A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. H
World's Most Efficient Firewall.. But ....... !
QUOTE One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.An average ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen. This means that the through-put of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1,687,500,000,000,000 byte/second16875 Тerabyte/secThis means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1,6875 terabyte persecond, and only lets through one(&#
QUOTE This is a thread where people share their favorite clean one liners(doesn't have to be). They gotta be short and humorous. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?I keep reading 'The Lord of the Rings' over and over. I guess it's just force of hobbit. The raisin wined about how he couldn't achieve grapeness. My boyfriend and I started to date after he b
I got kicked out of the K.F.C the other night and got banned from ever going there again. All i said was "Can i have a leg an a wing"
Tech That Will Revolutionize The Way We Move
So... here I was, on my computer in Mesopotamia, when I hear the familiar sound of stone being chiseled. I walk outside and see my neighbor working on this thing he calls a 'wheel.' He says you can attach four or more together and put a basket on top so you can push your goods instead of carrying them!
Assuming you know girls = evil and the other formulasGuys = girls × time × moneyGuys = girls x money²Guys = money^4 > girls = money²Guys = (vEvil)^4Guys = EvilGuys evil > Girls evilNow divide both sides by evilGuys > Girls - Guys more than girls? lol
How the Dinosaurs died!!! Theories How The Dinosaurs Got Extinct There was God and he created the Dinosaurs and plants 65 years ago. And one day the Dinosaurs had a spelling contest and the smartest dinosaur won and earned a stomach of stea 20 days later God came up to the dinosaur and shouted "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CREATIONS!" The Dinosaur looked at him liked his lips and ate him whloe. Now with God's power the Dinosaur became Abreham Linkem and lived for thousands of years. After a
ok...tell this to your significant other when you are all alone and it is really intimate just de mess around with there heads a bit.babby...you are the light of my day, the thing that i get up for, the one thing that makes me get up every morning and want to shout out....i love my life, you are the only reason that i am alive...ok...enough about my dog..lets talk about you now........tell me what you think about it!!:)
Marc Faber’s comment earlier this year on the US economy and the US govt rebate checks:”The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it
Some Intelligent Doubts About Humans
QUOTE 1.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to begiven a thought)2.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during aplane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?(very good thinking)3.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)4.Can you cry under water? (let me try)5.Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogsjust sitaround all day? (I think they meant something else)6.Why are the numbers on a
QUOTE A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.St. Peter asks, "Religion?""Methodist," the man says.St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven."Religion?""Baptist.""Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."A third man arrives at the gates."Religion?""Jewish.""Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.
The Top Nicest Ways To Tell A Person That They're Ugly
Have you ever seen a person that was so ugly that you'd kill yourself if you were them? Ok, I'm not talking about how people look different, and making fun of them. No, I'm talking about that SPECIAL UGLY. They're so ugly that they got boogers smeared on they're face and they wear excessive mascara ugly. You wanna tell them that they're ugly, right? But on the other hand, you don't want to hurt their feelings. Well, I happen to be an expert on these things ! Just
A Real Good For You My Friends.
A real good joke for you all my friends:- It was their 57th Wedding Anniversary and during the celebration party, John was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, John, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"John responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness etc. and a great man
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.Here's why.A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.She let out a very loud
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry. No pets allowed."The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping."Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a
What time is it when an elephant sits on a chair?(scroll down for answer)Half past 2
Computer EdenIn the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those hecreated the Word.And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. AndGod separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said -Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disksand hard disks and compact disks.And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to putfloppy disks and hard disks and compact
Five Most Ridiculous Lies You Were Taught In School
**WARNING: SOME FOUL LANGUAGE USED**Hahaha... this is freakin' hilarious... XDhttp://www.cracked.com/article_16101_5-mos...tory-class.html
Sardarji's Mom's Letter - Funny Joke
Funny Mail I got.. :-)QUOTESardarji's Mom's Letter Dear banta Vahe Guru ! I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for t
Joke: Teacher And The Smart Boy
QUOTEA beautiful Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked, "Boy. What is your problem?" Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!" Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told M
Check this out...
Ok so basically smarterchild is an aim bot... i know most of everybody who has an AIM knows this and probably are wondering where this is going, but me and my friend are trying to see who can come up with the funniest quotes from his convos. I've got quite a collection:QUOTE6:41:45 PM alex7h3pr0gr4m3r: show me an ad6:41:45 PM smarterchild: Sorry, I don't have ads.6:41:47 PM alex7h3pr0gr4m3r: yes you do6:41:48 PM smarterchild: I do not!6:41:51 PM alex7h3pr0gr4m3r: yes you do6:41:52 P
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,Somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,Expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floo
a boy friend and girl friend were at the prom and they decited to go to the guys house for the aftermath but the boyfriend had a younger brother that slept with him on a bunk bed. so the girls like "if we're going to do this here's how it'll work when ever i yell tomato i means i want more and when i yell lettus it means new position" so they start"lettus""tomato""tomato" "lettus""lettus" "lettus""tomato"
The Story Of The Student Who Failed Writing Class
One of the students failed in writing class, it is unusual for a student to fail in an easy class like writing. When the teacher was asked about the raison he failed in the class he replied: honestly felows, the student cannot focus, every time he is given a topic to write about, he goes off topic.They then asked him to give them example of topics he wrote about. So the teacher said: Here is an example, write about the spring season…Spring is the most beautiful season in the year, during t
Just A Good Joke To Wake Up With
The English And Scotish DreamAn english man and a scotish man are driving down a winding road in the dark. Suddenly they crash, but by a miracle non of them are hurt but their cars are written off. They both get out their cars, walk to each other and say "Listen, lets put all this behind us, lets live in peace, the english and scotish" After this, the scotish man goes to his car boot and pulls out a 12 year old bottle of whisky and offers the english man a drink, he drinks half and off
I was reading a book the other day and read a word used in this joke, very slowly...JOKE #1 - PS: It may sound si,ilar to one you have heard before...There are two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, and theyinherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are infinancial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so thatthey canbreed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leavi
The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask
The five toughest questions women ask - and their answers According to Sassy magazine, the five questions are: 1. "What are you thinking?" 2. "Do you love me?" 3. "Do I look fat?" 4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5. "What would you do if I died?"What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For
First DateMy next door neighbors' son was going on his first date. My neighbor drove his son to the miniature golf complex where he was meeting his date and a group of friends. Only after 45 minutes did he get a phone call saying the date was over. After picking his son up he waited a while before asking how the date went. When he asked, his son said, "Dad, I don't think I understand girls, they talk too much, they cost a lot of money and they don't taste so good."
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the servi
A Few Sayings Me And A Friend Proved Innacurate
So in our hours of boredom me and a friend have disproven a few sayings and here they are:1. Money cant buy you happiness -- Yes it can, buy some anti-depressants and other general "happy pills" Easy peasy.2. What happens when the unstoppable bullets hits the impenetrable armour? -- Simple, the armour and bullet simply move at the same speed, the armour isnt damage and the bullet isnt stopped 3. BullS**t -- Well as bulls do ... defecate Bulls**t is essentially true.And thats about i
You Might Meet in the Mens Rest Room.. 1. Excitable - Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. 2. Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. 3. Crosseyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. 4. Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5. Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink. 6. Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. 7. Worried - Not sure of where he h
You Know Your Having A Bad Day When...
You know your having a bad day when...You lose the piece of paper where you had your passwords written. You remember that you accidently threw out the piece of paper with all yourpasswords on it, and you have to rummage through 5 feet of garbage to lookfor it. After looking through the garbage for an hour, you realize that you have atext file of your passwords saved to disk. You forget to turn the computer off before you start messing around with theinside of it. Your air conditioner breaks down
It's just a joke:http://pejakm.googlepages.com/windows.swf
Customer: "I want to download the Internet. Do I need a bigger hard disk?"Download the Internet here
The Roaming Gnom... Umm... Boohbah
Boohbah are these weird things on a Teletubbies like TV show, and they really freak my sister-in-law out. I mean, who wouldn't be freaked out by some blobby, knobbly thingy. So of course my husband has to give one to her for her birthday. And now it just goes back and forth between them, each one trying to hide it in a suitcase or closet or whatever they can find and make sure that the other has it longer. Anyways, we were all in New Orleans for a wedding and my sis-in-law decides to hide it
I am not sure if this is the correct forum as I couldn't find one with jokes and humor. http://pastebin.ca/494623
Microsoft has relaesed a Linux Distro in Late 2003, named Micorosoft Linux, http://www.mslinux.org/This is what the site claims,QUOTEMicrosoft Linux provides all the power of the Linux Operating System with the ease of use you've come to expect from Microsoft Products. Microsoft Linux brings a new level of productivity to Linux, without sacrificing flexibility, performance, and control. In addition to features like My Home Directory and My Configuration, Microsoft Linux contains greatly impr
QUOTEThe Universal Grade Change Form To: Professor _______________ From: ____________________ I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons: __1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did. __2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did. __3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into: __Medical School __Graduate School __Dental School __Fraternity/Sororit
One day, a woman was having an affair. Her son was watching for the cracks in the closet door. One day, the boy's father came home a little early. The woman shoved the affairee in the closet, and did not notice the boy."It sure is dark in here." Whispered the boy."Yep." replied the man."I have a baseball bat.""That's nice.""I'll sell it to you.""No thanks.""My dad's out there.""Okay how much?""&#
These are actual questions send to an Australian Tourism website, send by potential visitors of the country. The answers are made by the website officials, who have a good sense of humour.Q: how do the plants grow? (UK).A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)A: Depends how much you've been drinking.Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)A: Sure, it's
Here is where everybody can Post all funny stories or things that have ever happened to them or their friends, or anything they've read or heard about or anything like that. It will be funny and entertaining.... we could all use a bit of this kind of amusement so please post all funny stories that have ever happened to you!
Man Lies For A Good And Honorable Reason & For The Benefit Of Others
a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of othersQUOTEIf a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it! "One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his l
♥
QUOTE Don't take a man shoppingProof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband orboyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by a leading super market's Head Office to a customer in Oxford . Dear Mrs. Murray,While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the T3$co LoyaltyCard, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.Below is a list of offences ov
Nice little story and all true.------------------------------For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, General Mot
Help me count... please.... how many people are here in this picture?
BE MY VALENTINE! Just Say YES... ----heheheü freaky valentine!
Eat My Nose For...[test]EQUALS FOUR. (8 - 4 = 4)[/test]heheheü gross? somebody sent it via SMS to me, thought i'd gross you out as well. LOL
Hey, Welcome to the thread were I will prove that Girls are EVIL!!Very Imporant NOTE: I do NOT hate neither am I against girls. This is justmeant as a joke. I actually adore women, they are the most beautyful beingson the planet, and they must be worshipped Well anyway, let's get to subject!There is a mathematical proof that girls really are evil, I'll be happyto show it to you!Here I go:$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/I did 7 / 10.
First-year Students At Medical School Were Receiving Their First
Students having the first anatomy LessonQUOTEFirst-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. "For an example, the Professor pulled back the s
Merry Christmas, Happy HanukkahIn Light of recent media attention, I'm posting the following:Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or the secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or t
President Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.“Stanley,” responds the little boy.“And what is your question, Stanley?”“I have four questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when
QUOTEQuestion: What is the truest definition of Globalization?Answer: Princess Diana's death.Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriendcrashes in a French tunnel,driving a German carwith a Dutch engine,driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,on Japanese motorcycles;treated by an American doctor,using Brazilian medicines.This is posted by an Indian, using Bill Gates 's technology,and you're probably
How I was born?QUOTESon asks his dad,"Daddy, how was I born?"His dad sighs and replies,"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!" "Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at acyber-cafe.We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used
Canadian ConfidencePresident George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang."Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you,eh!"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?""Right now,
QUOTEThe technology behind Google's great resultsAs a Google user, you're familiar with the speed and accuracy of a Google search. How exactly does Google manage to find the right results for every query as quickly as it does? The heart of Google's search technology is PigeonRank™, a system for ranking web pages developed by Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin at Stanford University.This is a joke![note=electriic ink] Article copied from: http://www.google.com/techno
I LIKE MONKEYSI like monkeys.The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought thatodd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not tolook a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. Hisname was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were reallybright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.I herded
Why Geeks And Nerds Are Worth It...
In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I’ve never ha
This Land Is My Land As Sung By Bush And Kerry
A classmate of mine showed this to us and we were rolling because of how funny it was so here is the link and just the sing along.http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibj...21/jokeid/30966
Some Members may not appreciate this article, so I have enclosed it in a "click to open/hide" tag.A 'mature' sense of humour is required for this one. [hide=option1] If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.Here's what happened:Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me t
Nasa Chief Under Fire For Personal Shuttle Use
lolQUOTECAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA Administrator Michael Griffin has yet to respond to recent allegations that he used NASA space shuttles on as many as one dozen unauthorized outings to such destinations as New York City, the French Riviera, and his vacation home near Ketchum, ID.A report issued Monday by NASA's Oversight Commission indicates a cumulative 1.8 million miles unaccounted for on the Atlantic, Discovery, and Endeavor shuttles. In addition, shuttle pilot James Kelly reported numerou
Sign The The Trap17 Ban Petition
http://www.petitiononline.com/mod_perl/signed.cgi?trapbanwe need as many signatures as possible these people are menace to society.Editors not-we are not actually banning these people, this is why this topic is under the joke section
I think microsofts main aim is to take over the world and bill gates is a machine and pinky and brain are controlling him anyway try neopets its a good game for world domination [note=serverph]referral link removed. moved from "Security Issues & Exploits" to "Jokes".QUOTE(from NEOPETS)Referral Scams: Clicking on a referral link will not get you a million neopoints or rare items. It's a trick to get you to refer the scammer who thinks they'll get more referral pr
I think this has great potential as yet unexplored:You MIGHT be a HACKER if:You have more computers up on blocks than you do cars.You lost the sides to your computer case and the cat has claimed one as it's home...Your kid says he needs a computer, you rummage through the closet and make one from parts found there...
Plenoptic Vs. Albus, Who Would Be A Better Mod?
After talking to these two for a while, I began to wonder which one would make for a better moderator. This is just a curiousity poll and the winner will not become a mod. So, which do you choose?
Just found this a few days ago..QUOTEWe've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.CROP DUSTINGWhen farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesnt know
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but nat
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched h
Is Saint Michael As Evil As He Says He Is?
The purpose of this post is to share SM "Evil" stories with all of us.If he has been "evil" towards you or if you witnessed an "evil" act directed towards others, please take a minute and share it with all of us.Thanks for sharing.
QUOTETypes of computer virusesAdam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.Bill Clinton virus: This viru
1) You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"* That's Direct Marketing.2) You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,"He's very rich. Marry him."* That's Advertising.3) You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and get her telephone number.The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."* That
Source: off a email, and thought I may share this.A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. • BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.• Close your eyes and press escape three times.• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) • Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. • Enter any 11-digit prime number
QUOTEDate: Apr 28, 2006 9:38 AMSubject: Fw: Headlines From 2029To: Undisclosed-RecipientHeadlines from the year 2029!Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but Presid
TAE A FERTThis poem is appropriate for reading to an audience shortly after they have eaten the haggis - you will need an audience with a sense of humour!Oh what a sleekit horrible beastieLurks in yer belly efter the feastieJust as ye sit doon among yer kinThere sterts to stir an enormous wind.The neeps and tatties and mushy peasStert workin like a gentle breezeBut soon the puddin wi the sauncie faceWill have ye blawin’ all ower the place.Nae matter whit the hell ye daeA’bodys gonnae have ta
I also got these in an e-mail and thought i would share them QUOTETHE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER[Imagine that!]Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says[No, really?]Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers[ That'll stop 'em. ]Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]Panda Mating Fails;Veterinarian Takes Over[What a guy!]Miners Refuse to Work after Death[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so
Well, my "Grandma" e-mailed this to me today and i thought it was rather funny, so i am going to share it with everyone here i supposeQUOTEA man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed p
The Real Reason We Have The Internet
I stumbled upon this while being bored and what not and this documentary tells us the real reason we have the internet.The Real reason we have the internet btw hahahahaha
You Know Your Obsessed With Forums
You say l33t in publicyou walk up to a store Manager to sign up for your first job and say " do i get mod Privillages with this?say omg when your friends see you at work, in a costume. not Oh my god... omgYou go to an old Roman Forum in Italy and say " Wheres the Registration zone?"when you claim your best friend "hacked" because you seemigly lost your postsKick somone out of a store for stealing and say BANNED!!!Consider the Video Games "Gaming" an
I got this in an e-mail a few minutes ago and i still cant stop laughing..i find it funny but im sure others may not...lolQUOTEThe Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.""What that tell you?" asked Tonto.The Lone Ranger ponders for a
Fbi's New Way Of Keeping Eyes On The Terrorists
The FBI (Federal bereu Of Investigation) has immediatly issued somthing new that will track everyones movements ont he internet and i mean everything!!Click HERE To see what i mean!They will always have eyes on you while your on the itnernetThis is just a joke of course..lmao
It's A Dog's Life After All...!
A real nice one..... QUOTEA butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well."The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages
QUOTEWhen you have an "I hate my job day", try this.On your way home from work, stop by your local pharmacy and visit the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be sure that you purchase this brand.When you get home, lock your doors, close the shades and disconnect the phone so that you will not be disturbed. Change into some comfortable clothing, have a glass of wine, sit in your favorite chair and open the package and remove the thermomet
Anyone know any? These things are really hilariousWhen Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. LOL!
QUOTEDear Tech Support:Last Year i upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of valueable space and resources. The new program also seems to need more and better system specs every month. Wife 1.0 installed it self into all other programs and now moniters all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 are automatically blocked and when t
If you ever get lost in india and want to find out where you are, thisis the best way of doing just that. scenario 1two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along,then a fourth and they start arguing about who s right - you are in kolkata. scenario 2two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along,sees them and walks on - that s mumbai.scenario 3two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along &tries to make peace. the first two get together & beat him up - thats delhi .scenario 4t
QUOTE10 Things Men Won't Say 1. Let's watch Lifetime! 2. Do I match? 3. I don't want to go too far on the first date. 4. Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours. 5. There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book. 6. I sooo want to go to Harvard. 7. My hips are too big. 8. Aw, can't we watch Oprah? 9. Does this suit make me look fat? 10. I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion haha![note=jlhaslip] copied from here
PERSONALITY TEST Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river inthe jungle. Youpushed open the door, in front of you were 7 small beds to the right of the hut, and another 7 small chairssurrounding asmall round table. In the middle of the table was a roundfood tray with 5kinds of fruit in it. There are: a. apple b. banana c. strawberry d. peach e. orange Which fruit will u choose? Your choice reveals about u! test results : Please SCROLL DOWN a. if you chosen apple:
Why Nagging A Man Doesn't Work
Why Nagging A Man Doesn't workWhat a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
a High-tech prayerAs i boot up my pc,my modem dialing next to me,i ask u lord ,give me a sign---will i ever get on-line?if you'd kindly let me throughi'll byte no more than i can chew'i'll surf the waves amid the net,with my mouse, my loyal pet,and through each window i will seethe websites that are offered me.resisting any chat room's lure,i'll download only what is pure.if system errors don't prevail,i vow to read all my e-mail.if you save me from a crash,i'll
Virgin DaughtersA Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within ashort time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex lifewould get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from thehoneymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. Thecard said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then wentto the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:"Good t
Facts About Mumbai Engineering College Girls
Facts about Engg. Gals !!!!!>> 1. What is the beautiful girl in engg. called?> A Visitor.>> 2. What happens when all the engg. girls go on a> trip to the moon ?> Average beauty on the earth increases and that on> the moon decreases.>> 3. What happens when hundred new girls join an engg> college ?> Average beauty in the college further decreases.>> 4. What happens when two engg. girls meet at fashion> show?> They discuss t
These are actual letters that kids have written to God. This was done in a Sunday School class and were too cute to miss. Dear God... Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? Dear God... Who draws the lines around the countries ? Dear God... I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
MEN ARE LIKEMen are like.....Placemats.They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets.Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Government bonds.They take so long to mature. Men are like.....Parking spots.The good ones are taken Men are like.....Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, b
MALE/FEMALE DICTIONARYWANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n. Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. Male: Food, sex and beer. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood.Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. Male: What would really be great at work since that hot ba
GIFTS FOR MEN Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "
35 Ways to Annoy PeopleLeave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.in the memo field of all your checks, write, "for sensual massage."Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking with others.Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, "to keep them tuned up."Reply to everything
Between the ages of 15 -20 a woman is like Africa.She is half discovered, half wild.Between the ages of 20 -30 a woman is like America.Fully discovered and scientifically perfectBetween the ages of 30 -35, she is like India & Japan.Very hot, wise and beautifulBetween the ages of 35 -40 a woman is like France.She is half destroyed after the war but still desirableBetween the ages of 40 -50 she is like Germany.She lost the war but not the hope.Between the ages of 50 -60 she is like Russia.Very
Little Jhonny Joke - Once Upon A Time
once upon a time .... Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead ofexplaining things to Johnny,she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch hisolder sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to
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