How I was born?QUOTESon asks his dad,"Daddy, how was I born?"His dad sighs and replies,"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!" "Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at acyber-cafe.We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used
Anyone know any? These things are really hilariousWhen Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. LOL!
A Man Was Driving Home Late One Afternoon
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He
QUOTETypes of computer virusesAdam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.Bill Clinton virus: This viru
Nice little story and all true.------------------------------For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, General Mot
A Real Good For You My Friends.
A real good joke for you all my friends:- It was their 57th Wedding Anniversary and during the celebration party, John was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, John, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"John responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness etc. and a great man
...welll..is it gonna happen , iam sure it will Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..." Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order." Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's6102049998-45-54610."Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 MeadowlandDrive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at LincolnInsurance is 745-2302 and yo
The Top Nicest Ways To Tell A Person That They're Ugly
Have you ever seen a person that was so ugly that you'd kill yourself if you were them? Ok, I'm not talking about how people look different, and making fun of them. No, I'm talking about that SPECIAL UGLY. They're so ugly that they got boogers smeared on they're face and they wear excessive mascara ugly. You wanna tell them that they're ugly, right? But on the other hand, you don't want to hurt their feelings. Well, I happen to be an expert on these things ! Just
Nasa Chief Under Fire For Personal Shuttle Use
lolQUOTECAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA Administrator Michael Griffin has yet to respond to recent allegations that he used NASA space shuttles on as many as one dozen unauthorized outings to such destinations as New York City, the French Riviera, and his vacation home near Ketchum, ID.A report issued Monday by NASA's Oversight Commission indicates a cumulative 1.8 million miles unaccounted for on the Atlantic, Discovery, and Endeavor shuttles. In addition, shuttle pilot James Kelly reported numerou
Talking Clock:While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den."What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked."That is the talking clock," the guy replied."How's it work?" the friend asked."Watch," the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It&
Where can i download Ophra on the net?
Anyone watch anime?I do, lol, my favorite anime would have to be...., well, heres a small list1. Serial Experiments Lain2. Love hina3. Trigun4. GTO5. Tenchi Muyo (all of the series) I LOVE !!!WASHU!!!6. Outlaw Star7. .Hack//Sign8. Dual9. Prinsess Monanoke (i cant spell it, and its a movie)10. Spirited Away (movie)
Good night Kiss!One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to bid each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?" Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her. "No, please.
New windowshttp://www.zone.ee/someflashes/windows-rg.swf
two guys walk into a bar.... third one ducks.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look in
How does Monster see the future ??by the HOrrorScope
all i know that is good for jokes is http://newjokes.com/
Basically a stupid idiot:
little johny is in school 1 day and in his class his teachers has a fun way of teaching the kids produce, the teacher comes up with a game where shell reach into a bag a describe the produce and the children try to guess it, first up the teacher says" the first piece i will describe is small and red, what is it" little johny has the urge to answer and reaches his hand in the air but the teacher passes him for susie, "is it an apple" says susie, "no, its a raddish, but i
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, wi
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." ”You're wasting your time," says the boy. "Why is that?" aske
You Are A Bad Cook If... - The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire - Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. - You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! - Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop. - The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. - Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy
One evening，in the midst of dinner preparation，our 10 yearold daughter asked，“Mom my， what's puberty？”My wife was rushed at the moment，so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary，after which they could talk about it．A few minutes later，Peggy returned．Her mother asked what the dictionary had said．“Puberty means，”announced Peggy，“the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear childre
This joke is funny the first time you hear it, but then it gets lame.Q: How do you circumcise a whale??A: Send down 4 skin divers.hhahahhahahahhaa
Once a girl is quite fantasized about "69". She has a regular boyfriend they have never done it before. One day she invites her boyfriend to her apartment for romantic dinner. After heavy dinner, she tells him that she wants to do "69". But the Boyfriend doesn't have any idea about what is 69. Girlfriend gets upset but thinks that she can teach him how to do 69. she asks him to lay down...and she then lays on top of him in reverse direction so as in 69. The boyfriend is
I am practising martial arts... right now its jujutsu for 1½ years... have been doing taekwondo for 2 years too..does anyone else practise?
Sara and Jamie were on their way home one night, when they had to go to the bathroom, They were in the middle of nowhere and there wasn't a bathroom for miles. They drove a little longer and saw a cemetary, they decided to stop. so they both went and found a gravestone to pee behind. Sara went pee and wiped on her panties and got back in the car and threw them on the floorboard, Jamie wasn't wearing any panties and started looking around for something to wipe on. She found a wreath on a
What do you call a blonde in a highly educated institute?<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><><> <><><><><> <><><>
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an appl-pie without any cheese.The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said:"You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?""In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
Insane asylum president draw with chalk pieces of door at wall and say who opens whom right away leave hospital ! The patient rushes on like a swarm of hornets, only one patient do not move ,president ask him why? Whether you proud to is it draw I say in a low voice on one side to smile secretly. I have keys!
One old man lost his bike always, when he puts a bike bought newly downstairs, he do three lock and insert one paper, writing above: Let you steal again! ! The second overhead traveling crane has not been lost , and have two more locks and a piece of paper yet, write above: Let you ride again!
Q:Hey why did the blonde bring a ruler to bed?A: Because she wanted to measure how long she slept.
The 10 Most Important Men in a Man's Life
The 10 Most Important Men in a Man's Life!1. The Doctor because he says "take your clothes off".2. The Dentist because he says "relax and open wide".3. The Hairdresser because he asks "do you want it teased or blown"?4. The Milkman because he asks "do you want it in the front or back"?5. The Interior Decorator because he says "once it's in you'll like it".6. The Stockbroker because he says "it will rise quickly, fluctua
Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive." do you get it?
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!" lol
What is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender
There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise. The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !" They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?" LM
>SUPER BABY > >A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk. >He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. >"Yes, I am," said the doctor. >The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth." >He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" >"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother, beaming. >"Thank you for taking such good care of me be
22 Worst thing sto say to a police officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged n.3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.8. Bad cop!
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me and my girlfriend? She was a dream!There was only one thing bothering me (quite a bit actually), and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart; but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too and it made me feel uncomfortable.One day, she called me and asked me to come over to check
Bob calls in to his job:"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."The boss says:"You know Bob I really need you today. When I feel like this I go tomy wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better andI can go to work. You should try that."2 hours later Bob calls:"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I be at work soon. By theway, you got ni
"Computers in the future will weigh no more than 1.5 tons." (Popular Mechanics, forecasting advance of science, 1949.)"I think there's a world market for maybe five computers." (Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.)"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." (Editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.)"But wha
A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says,"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink."A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says,"Sorry, Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Do
These are a few Ya mama jokes I heard when I was a kid. Ya mama's so poor, she has to use a fork with cereal to save on milk:PYa mama's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can, I asked her what she was doing and she said she was moving. Ya mama's so poor, when I stepped on a cigarrete on the ground, she said why did you get rid of my heat. blah, that's all i can think of for now,. I'll write more when I think of them
Ali G's sister is pregnent but lands up in a coma after a terrible accident.6 months passes and she wakes up, she sees she's not pregnent anymore and panics asking the doctor "What happend to my child?"The doctor says don't worry, you had twins- a boy and a girl, your brother came in and named them.Ali G's sister then says "What!? My brother, I can't believe that, he's an idiot! What did he name them?"Expecting the worse the doctor says to her,
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The law
Anyone seen of them?Well, heres one for example:http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/vision_sabotage.aspDon't turn the speakers too loud...Anymore examples?
Have you ever laughed at a joke because it was so bad(read aloud)"what do you call a french man who is a shoe""phillepe phillope" for those who didn't get it, it is flip flop when said fastmaybe it is my unique twisted sense of humour that made me laughbut I found this joke funny because it was so badHave you ever found a joke funny because it was so bad?Put them up
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge in the thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits ra
A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper leads above his head. The barman looks over and says "You're not going to start anything in here, mate!" Three strings walk into a bar. The bartender throws them out, yelling "Can't you read the sign?! I don't serve strings." The strings try again, and again the bartender kicks them out. Finally, one of the strings gets the idea to mess himself up a little. He walks into the bar. The bartender scowls, "W
Hi, just wondering if anybody around here remembers the days of Full House's Bob Saget hosting Americas Funniest Home Videos. Man that guy sucked, he made the worst jokes and comments ever. They've been playing some reruns here in Australia and they just get worse over time.
Just wondering if anybody here has ever had the priveledge to enjoy David Brents antics on BBC's "The Office". They've won tons of awards this year, including a 2 golden globes for best comedy and best actor. They were the first non-us show and actor to ever even be nominated for the two categories and managed to win them both!If your sick of the typical American show with fake laughter after every single cliché line and want to watch some good original comedy without the d
Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man...That's it?Wow - look at all the hair on your back!Maybe you should start going to the gym more.That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator?Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?Wake me when it's over, ok?I think the condom's too big.Zzzzzz....You want me to what?!?Well, that explains the padded pants.Did you take out the garbage yet?My husband's in the Marines.He's due home any day now.Is that a toupee?So THAT'S what
http://parody.organique.comhttp://www.adbusters.org/spoofadsThese are hilarious. It's funny how you most of these immediately hit you b/c they're so commercialized. Know any more sites?
I like this one: A lawyer is seated next to a blonde on the airplane. He asks her if she'd like to play a fun game, but the blonde, who just wants to get some sleep, politely declines and rolls the other way. Not to be deterred, the lawyer wakes her. "It's really fun! We ask each other questions and if one of us doesn't know the answer, they have to pay the other!" The blonde declines again. The lawyer, who figures he'll make a small fortune if he can just get t
A man came to work Monday with two black eyes. "Where did you get them black eyes?" a co-worker asked."In church," the man replied. "As we were standing," the man continued, "I noticed the dress of the woman in front of me was stuck up the crack of her *bottom*. So, I pulled it out. She turned and belted me in the eye.""Well, how did you get the second black eye?""Evidently, she didn't like me pulling her dress out of the crack of her *b
The 5 Steps To Perfect Relationship
1. It is important to find a woman who helps at home, who cooks fromtime totime, cleans up and has a job.2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.3. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie toyou.4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to bewith you.5. It is very important that these four women don't know each other.
TEACHER : Why are you late?BALGOBIN : Because of the sign.TEACHER : What sign?BALGOBIN : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-TEACHER : Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?BALGOBIN : You told me to do it without using tables!*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-TEACHER : Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"?BALGOBIN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"TEACHER : No, that's wrongBALGOBIN :
A Blonde's New JobA blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! &
Hey, Welcome to the thread were I will prove that Girls are EVIL!!Very Imporant NOTE: I do NOT hate neither am I against girls. This is justmeant as a joke. I actually adore women, they are the most beautyful beingson the planet, and they must be worshipped Well anyway, let's get to subject!There is a mathematical proof that girls really are evil, I'll be happyto show it to you!Here I go:$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&
One very interesting joke: 3 WishesA blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is
Bill Gates Died In A Car Accident
He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God .. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'mnot sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. Afterall, you enormously helped society by putting acomputer in almost every home in the world and yet youcreated that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to dosomething I've never done before.In your case, I'm going to let you decide where youwant to go!"Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's thedifference
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer? There's no blood in my alcohol"2. When they ask why you were speeding, tell them you wanted to race.3. When they talk to you, pretend you are deaf.4. If they ask if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......5. When they ask why you were speeding, tell them you had to buy a hat.6. Ask them where they bought their cool hat.7. Refer to them by their first name.8. Pretend you are gay and ask t
It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan."Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done.""I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything.""You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it.""You think I care about
Law: For each act of public swearing a person shall be fined one dollar.Country: United StatesCitation: ?61-8-15. Profane swearing and drunkenness; penalty.If any person arrived at the age of discretion profanely curse or swear or get drunk in public, he shall be fined by a justice one dollar for each offense.
Alabama: 1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.California: 1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.Connecticut: 1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. 2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.Florida: 1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. 2. A special law prohib
Hold on before you copy and paste this into your browser becuase the sound is very faint so your gonna have to turn your speaker volume up full to hear what's said.http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.Pearls melt in vinegar.Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but
One day a young boy was walking to school. He cut through an alley where he met a hooker."Hello little boy." said the hooker as she waved her pinky finger at him.'What's up with the pinky?' thought the boy. After school the boy went back through the alley and the hooker was back again."Hello little boy," she said and waved at him with her pinky finger.'Again with the pinky, what's up with that?' wondered the boy, 'If she's here again tomorrow I
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few momen
Dear Tech Support,Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing. 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background w
What Is The Last Movie You Saw?
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.Q. How does a blonde part their hair?A. By doing the splits.Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?A. Nothing, they haven't met!Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.Q. What's a blondes favori
check this out:http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/frost_sabotage.html
(Football here is UK football, or soccer to the yanks :-))This guy was the coach of the local "Blind league" football team. This team had never won a game in their life due to the fact that couldn't see the ball or the goal in which they were supposed to get it. One day the guy had a great idea...he went to the shops and bought a load of bells (the kind that cats have on their collars) and attached them to the ball so that the blind players could hear where the ball is.The first
Two things they teach Marines:1. Keep your priorities in order2. Know when to act without hesitationA college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching his class.He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going toprove there was no God.Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want youto knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes."The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall.Ten minutes went by.Again he taunted
Found this one, felt i had to pass it on, if u read it too fast ull miss itAn elderly woman calls animal control and says she has a grizzly bear in a tree in her front yard, so she is hesitant to go outside. Right away an agent shows up. He steps out of his truck with a large net and starts laying on the ground around the tree. "What's that for?" says the woman. "To catch the bear" replies the agent.He goes to his truck again. This time he comes back with a pit bulldog, w
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. Sh
You Will Never Look At Chili The Same Way Again...
A guy walks into a restaurant, sees another man sitting down, not looking to well. Next to him is a bowl of chili. The first guy asks, "Are you going to eat that?" and then second one replies, "no, you can have it." The first guy sits down, and starts to eat. He finds that it has a different taste, but it was pretty good chili all the same. About half way through, he suddenly realizes there is a dead rat in the bowl. Not having the strongest stomach, he gets sick and throws u
The Shortest And Longest Sentences In The World.
My 8th grade English teacher told me this joke (haha along with the chili one...will post that after this).What is the shortest sentence in the world? Answer: Go. or Be.What is the longest sentence in the world? Answer: I do.
Irishman Goes To The Doc With 2 Burnt Ears...
An irishman goes to the doc with two burnt ears. The doc looks at the ears and exclaims "How did you do this?""Well, I was doing the ironing when someone called me on the phone...I wasn't concentrating so I put the iron to my ear and burnt myself""Both ears?""Well, I had to call you for the appointment, didn't I!"
There is the daughter, mother, and grandmother.The daughter says I am not making enough money to live with, only 50 dollars a person.The mother says well i had it harder when i was younger...i did it for 25 dollars.And the Grandmother says you think thats hard, when it was dead winter i did it to get something warm in my belly.-Tk-
"Life's Tough Questions" 01. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 02. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 03. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 04. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 05. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 06. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me,
Spme nun was saying that she was raped, and was completely freaking out about it. So she goes to Mother Superior, and says, "Mother Superior. I've been raped, and I don't know what to do. Can you please help." "Of course my child. I will gladly offer my advice. The first thing you need to do is suck on a lemon." "Will that prevent me from getting pregnant?" "No. But it will wipe that smile of your face."
What Material Is Darth Vaders Sword Made Of?
hahahahahai found this halarious so i had to share it
A genie sees a bear chasing a rabbit and calls out to the bear, "If you stop chasing that little rabbit, I'll grant you each two wishes." The bear agrees and says, "OK, I want to have the biggest penis any bear ever had." The genie nods, and it is done. The rabbit says, "I would like a motorcycle." The genie shrugs and grants the rabbit's wish. The bear says,"I want all the bears in the world to be female except me." His wish is granted. The rabbit
A blonde and a brunette both jumped off a cliff at the same time. Which made it to the ground first?The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.is this funny?
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, t
Outrageously Funny Old Dc Comic Book Covers
It's a thread in another forum where some guys found some incredible covers from super man spin off comics (mainly jimmy olsen and lois lane) I know it doesn't sound like much, but here's the link, you have to see for yourself:http://www.allspark.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=58040 (Edited for dumbness)and, to prove it's worth your precious time, here goes a teaser:and by the way, they're all real, taken from www.comics.org
To Hit Yanukovich Face With Egg!
HIT THE YANUKOVICH FACE WITH EGG !!!This game was made on flash and is near 270KB. The game devoted president elections in Ukraine. The criminal power wanted that its mafia candidat Viktor Yanukovich would win but you probably heard about political situation in Ukraine and striking millions of people on the streets. So your aim is to hit the face in every 25 regions of Ukraine and help Ukrainian people. Good luck!
I actually had tears in my eyes.Some of you may not find it that funny, but my sense of humour can be a bit weird sometimes Check out the homestarrunner homepage! Scroll the mouse over 'toons'Teen girl squad (found on the remote control in 'toons') is also pretty hilarious LOL
These are actual directions found on certain products around theworld!1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips. "You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details inside!" you think to your self (Shoplifters special)2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom) "Do not turn upsode down" (Too late)3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding. "Product will be hot after heating" (Just as day follows
A man says to his wife "with the mortgage and all our monthly bills, we're not going to have enough money to survive...you're going to have to go out and sell sex!"...she agrees to do so and on the next night is all done up in her tartiest clothes.She goes out at around 6pm and comes back at 11 with a jar full of money.They sit down together and count it out."£112.50" says the wife, at the end."Who gave you the 50p?""All of them"
U Know U Play Sc 2 Much When...
You know you play too much StarCraft when... · You call your house your "Nexus." · You play basketball and ask your friends if the game is melee or UMS. · You are poor and you tell your dad to harvest more minerals. · You realize that you're broke and ask your parents to borrow some minerals. · You decide to blow yourself up as a suicide bomber and shout "here's for the Swarm!" · You inject steroids into your arm on the way home to get there faster. · You pretend
Frequently Asked Questions -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive ? 2. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds ? 3. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii ? 4. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes ? 5. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there ? 6. Do you need a silencer if you are goin
Yo mama's so ugly, well.. look at you! Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like you. Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama. Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?A. Frosted FlakesQ. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?A. An airbag.Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.Q. How did the blonde bur
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?
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